We missed the R! There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, Im wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked No Refills.Submitted by Roy Warner, An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. And in the morning kick me in the head Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore You led me away from home 'Cause you didn't want to be alone You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried I suppose I could collect my books And get . Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, Who folded the moon? Submitted by Julianna Waldner. A: One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in. ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. Im not very good at advice. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? [Read: Funny conversation starters and 40 lines to instantly fit right in]. What did you write in the ad? his wife asks. A: Get off the carousel. "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! Being broken up with. Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. (Consider yourself warned! If you smile whilst youre giving your smartass quote, youre going to take away its power. Wow these drinks are big!, The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.. Later, they order an other round. You may not be able to get your kid to eat their greens, but you can at least get a laugh out of them at the dinner table with this comprehensive list of the funniest food jokes for kids. Today I saw something that reminded me of you. Why are you washing it? my brother asked, perplexed. I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. Listen, the crook says, you dont want any trouble, and neither do I. That didnt suit my husband. ' @woodyluvscoffee. The day before both NBC and Fox confirmed she would not be making a return to the networks, Tamron Hall and Soledad O'Brien couldn't help but make a jibe at Megyn Kelly in New York. There they taught me how to be neutral. Weinstein, Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. Sir! He never had a chance!, The man says, I dont know about that. When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. My wifes having a heart attack and youre running around naked scaring the kids!, Im sorry and I apologize mean the same thing. Aha! Jokes > Funny Insults > You're stupid 15 Think about it, the professor answered. Hes not breathing and his eyes are glazed. A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. Ill tell you whatnever again. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. He asks the dogs owner, Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?, The owner says, Because hes a liar! How do you know? My dog told me.Submitted by Sourabh Bhatia, A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. The wife says that yes, he could. I typed Bitch into my GPS and guess what? ' . Sometimes I wish I was a bird so I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads., 40. The bouncer says, You cant come in here with a dog., He replies, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The bouncer responds, You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?, The second guy exclaims, They gave me a Chihuahua?, I come from a stupid family. Rod Stewart - Maggie May Lyrics | AZLyrics.com I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. Our doctors office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. Submitted by Joyce Tenhage, A friend who had just turned 50, and couldnt quite deal with that fact, was wearing a T-shirt that said, Im not 50! Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I cant, says the poodle. 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A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. You wont look cool if you show everyone just how happy you are with your efforts! Good players are hard to find. ", "Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Violators will be extracted. Submitted by Helen McNair, My father-in-law, Paul, lives on a farm near Wynyard, Saskatchewan. It's stopped twerking. Theres a smartass quote for that. You call me a bitch. Im in your driveway., 47. Lets explore the role of humor in an intimate relationship. Spell elephant,' the older one said. Reddit.com. 78. *Results not guaranteed. I was always told it was piss in the boot. Math teacher: If I have three bottles in one hand and two in the other hand, what do I have? In a normal tone, he asks, Honey, whats for supper?, So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, Honey, whats for supper? Still no response. ! Now, in addition to feeling embarrassed, Jenna also feels invalidated. Ive spent the week with seven beautiful women. Do not fret, my son, says the priest. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. Thats when I realized he was her favourite twin. First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. .Rd5g7JmL4Fdk-aZi1-U_V{transition:all .1s linear 0s}._2TMXtA984ePtHXMkOpHNQm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;margin-bottom:4px}.CneW1mCG4WJXxJbZl5tzH{border-top:1px solid var(--newRedditTheme-line);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:none;fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:middle;margin-bottom:2px;margin-left:4px;cursor:pointer}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover ._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{display:inline-block}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs{border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B.IeceazVNz_gGZfKXub0ak,._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk{margin-top:25px;left:-9px}._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:focus-within,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:hover{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border:none;padding:8px 8px 0}._25yWxLGH4C6j26OKFx8kD5{display:inline}._2YsVWIEj0doZMxreeY6iDG{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;padding:4px 6px}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;margin-left:auto;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg,._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq{font-weight:700;color:#ff4500;text-transform:uppercase;margin-right:4px}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq,.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-weight:400;-ms-flex-preferred-size:100%;flex-basis:100%;margin-bottom:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX{margin-top:6px}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._3MAHaXXXXi9Xrmc_oMPTdP{margin-top:4px} Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? Dont miss theseclever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate. What does the word contemplate mean? the college student asked his English professor. Its these harrowing situations that wake you out of a sound sleep suddenly fresh with dozens of snappy one-liners you wish you would have said. 15. A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads Talking Dog for Sale. Intrigued, he walks in. One said: Oo, oo, aah. The other replied:Put some cold in then. Harry Hill, My friend says to me: What rhymes with orange? I said: No it doesnt!, You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. moments. Women are like iPhones. One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night. How do you put up with it? I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.Submitted by Marilyn Adkins, Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the towns morals, stuck her nose into everyones business. My Uncle G: Youre going to pay $500 to jump out of a perfectly good plane? I can only please one person a day. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. New Flat-Panel Television Pitch Turn-Signal Vermilion Credit-Card Magnetic-Strip Coal Netflix-Envelope Scarlet Cubicle Ecru Unraked-Leaves Sienna Energy-Efficient Fluorescent-Bulb Quartz Blue-Screen-of-Death CobaltSubmitted by Casey Johnston, One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office. Selling doors, door-to-door. Bill Bailey. You should be seeing a psychiatrist, The guys replies, I am seeing a psychiatrist., The dentist says, Well then what are you doing here?. You do you! Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop. Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now. Actually, she replied, the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her. 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners The wife says that yes, he could. Kid 1: "I don't have a sister.". My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo. But they were fully booked. Thats where we come in! Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. 70 Knee Jokes And Puns That You Knee-d To Hear | Kidadl Why couldn't the all-star football player listen to music? If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. Nature is beautiful and so am I. Dont go through life unprepared! "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. Why? A class act. If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Wow, thats incredible, the doctor says. I dont know why. I was looking for $150.Anonymous, A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. Bark is on tree, trees are in nature. In reference to someone's accuracy with a gun. Uncle Ben has died. When Im done, poof! Dont miss these funny tweets every parent can relate to. "couldn't organise a "? - Google Groups Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. When he answers the door shes standing there in a slinky black dress. Its torturous. These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! How are you doing mentally and emotionally? I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. Press J to jump to the feed. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, well be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life. The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. Whats your last wish? Well, Ive always wanted to donate a kidney.Submitted by Robert L. Jaffee, Growing up with a curious younger brother and a sharp-eared dad led to some memorable conversations as a teenager. Could I have a few words with George?Submitted by David Miteff, An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. Jim nervously mimicked her. Two whales walk into a bar. . You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from inside the barn. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff. [Read: All the quotes you need while going through a breakup], 15. Again, he hears the booming voice: There are no fish under the ice!, He nervously looks up and asks, Lord? Peterson, she begins, would you say youre honest? Honest? replies the lawyer. ", "Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat. Submitted by Max Cooper, The doctor replies, Sorry, I dont follow youSubmitted by Christine Schrum, After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. You couldnt beat a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. .ehsOqYO6dxn_Pf9Dzwu37{margin-top:0;overflow:visible}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu{height:24px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu{border-radius:2px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:focus,._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:hover{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10);outline:none}._38GxRFSqSC-Z2VLi5Xzkjy{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT{border-top:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);cursor:pointer;padding:8px 16px 8px 8px;text-transform:none}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT:hover{background-color:#0079d3;border:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-body)} Im coming over to live with you. To which her mother replies, No, no, darling. After they were caught, they finished each others sentences. ._2cHgYGbfV9EZMSThqLt2tx{margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{width:75%;height:24px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-,._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{background:var(--newCommunityTheme-field);background-size:200%;margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-{width:100%;height:46px} Brand: Top Craft Case. The best way to make a serious impact with a smartass quote is to deliver it, turn on your heel, and walk away. ", "Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes When he touches it, a genie comes forth. One thing about Fred, his buddy says to the bartender. A friend and I were enjoying a coffee in our local haunt when an acquaintance stopped at our table and said, Hi, Ken. A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment., The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. Theres just one condition. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling You know, this is my first operation. A nervous wreck. Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! Well, he really gets a kick out of it. It can reflect how well you know your partner. I really thought you already knew. [Read: 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted], 41. 2. Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you. Bill Murray, 14. The point of being sarcastic is that its cool and effortless. She seemed surprised. Well, historically speaking, more powerful., 19. Well-dressed, with a flower pinned to his lapel, he cut a suave figure. Have trouble making it to the punchline? One day, I was brushing my teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in. So we stopped playing chess. Matt Kirshen. 200 Best Reader's Digest Jokes of All Time ', Dad replies, 'We are your real parents, son. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist. ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. These smartass quotes about breakups are sure to help you out. and the one on the right is where I go to church., The man sneers, Thats the church I used to attend!, Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing., Theres a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Its all very well and good having a range of smartass quotes in your armory, but how do you deliver them in the right way? It can be a shared little world of private jokes, silly characters, and inside jokes that build trust and bring you closer to each other. 72. .FIYolDqalszTnjjNfThfT{max-width:256px;white-space:normal;text-align:center} Thats just how I roll. ._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa{margin-top:8px}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa ._3EpRuHW1VpLFcj-lugsvP_{color:inherit}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa svg._31U86fGhtxsxdGmOUf3KOM{color:inherit;fill:inherit;padding-right:8px}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa ._2mk9m3mkUAeEGtGQLNCVsJ{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;color:inherit} She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/TopicLinksContainer.3b33fc17a17cec1345d4_.css.map*/, A standard British one is "You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.". I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. 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